I’ve been attending on and off for 8 years total; long enough for me to tackle just about every hurt, habit and hangup in regards to my former marriage, but never went as far as to collect chips for my dedication to ALLOWING God to take over and heal me completely.
I just wasn’t ready.
Holding onto what could have been; should have been for my children.
Not ready to release but wanting too.
Not living in my past but desiring for connectivity with another like minded soul that would step in and be an amazing father to my kids.￼￼
I let that sentiment go as well.
They have an amazing Heavenly Father that no one can replace and they have an earthly father that has stepped up to the plate over the last year to the point that I have few complaints, if any.
I now view relationships differently and a lot of this stems back to MY childhood and what I witnessed with my own mother. Her love for each man she had a relationship with; and my sister and I craving that she would marry just one so we could have father in our life. I can’t stress the importance of a solid father figure in your children’s life; especially for little girls. Another topic for another time.
While not perfect (neither of us), it IS good for both of my children to see and spend quality time with BOTH of us albeit the fact we are no longer together and never will be.
I let that hope go.
• I do love my ex husband as much as God loves me.
• And I have forgiven him for all his transgressions against me; as much as God forgives me, I will forgive him and continue to do so.
THAT combination and perhaps more of a revelation and result, came after I accepted God into my heart, truly, 100% dedicated to my healing this time around.
I had, for myself, to let go of the anger against him so I could be set free. ❤️
And God is good.
And full of grace.
And He gives all of this to me because he loves me unconditionally.
Through this process other areas of me that are broken have been revealed so it’s suffice to say that I’ve got much more healing to do so I am as whole as I can be for whomever and whatever God has in store for me and my life.
As adults, we are all broken and at some point, if you haven’t already, I pray that you seek God to reveal what is broken within yourself so you may reach out to Him for the same kind of spiritual healing. Believe me.....the love that you will feel will engulf your entire being like nothing you’ve ever experienced before. You will walk around in this life knowing that you are loved, cherished and wanted with great purpose to serve others; just like Jesus and on the flip side you will begin to “feel” the pain, anguish, fear and confusion that those around you experience....and you will want to help lead them to Christ for the same sort of forgiveness and healing that you are receiving.
That’s the best way I can describe this and I realize it’s a lot to take in. 🙏🏻
So, it began and I made 30 days. Then 60 days and followed by 90 days of letting go my anger for my ex-husband.
But I wasn’t done.
For 3 years I wanted to cut my hair off but I wasn’t ready. I wanted to shave it ALL OFF. But I wasn’t ready to let it go.
And then.....a few days ago, I was ready and there was no opinion from anyone on or offline that would persuade me differently.
It was time.
My hair was an accumulation of years of hurt, anger, sadness, dismay, disappointment, lust, hope, him, love, adoration and what I thought was beautiful. It was also damaged, brittle and I knew.....it was no longer healthy.
It may have “looked” healthy, but it wasn’t. I took care of it; no products, air dry, tie back and let down.
The feeling that overcame me when it was being cut and buzzed away was a combination of exhilaration, love, positive hope and excitement for a new beginning.
It is my Tonsure - it IS my personal dedication to God; stripping me of my past and baring my soul and dedication to my healing, renewal and success for my present and future in all things in and revolving around my relationship with God.
My healing nearly complete and my faith and dedication to God only that much stronger.
This is not a temporary experience but rather a lasting ceremonial change; transition of sorts and it’s symbolic in every way you can imagine in a way that you can perceive me to be stronger than before.
And God is still working on me.
I look forward to the days to come; to each 30 days of healing and renewal; to seeing where this journey of revelation and purpose takes me.
Thank you for your love, kindness, support and respect for my journey.
I’m thankful to share it with you!